Today I like my outfit

and I am bored at work.

Technically I should write a paper for my class tonight, which I am skipping because I feel really exhausted and because it is Becca and Tim’s birthday today. The professor doesn’t take roll and the assignment is a very small part of my grade. Whatever.

Tonight will be fun. I’m going to have some coffee before we go out and I’m only allowed one more cigarette tonight because my mouth is getting all gross.

I’m going to blaze with my friends before going out. I’ll probably only have one drink tonight. Maybe two if they’re sufficiently cheap. I’m just killing 30 minutes before I go home to take a quite glorious nap.

I feel sickly tired. It feels like exhaustion. I just want to apparate home. I don’t want to deal with the 30 minute train ride home at all. I just want to be in my bed at 4 o clock enjoying my pillow-top mattress cover. Ugh.

Well only 15 minutes left. I did a decent job of making the time pass. I guess this is it for this rambling post. I’m going to have a cup of emergen-c and get my stuff together.

I have never been as depressed as I have been these past two weeks.

And guess who gives a shit? I can list three people who have appeared to actually be affected by my suffering. Everyone else is kind of … “oh that sucks” oooor the best response, nothing!

I have to be honest though, I’m a very shitty person and people don’t like me. How I expect people to be nice and supportive towards me is really confusing. These people don’t care that I had the worst day of my life yesterday. Besides a handful of people, no one gives a single fuck about me. Hell, even the people who do want out.

I think I’m just going to post about this on my other blog. Not that anyone knows it or can offer me any reassuring words on it- but no one would anyway so what difference does it make.

I’m just crying in my bed after sleeping for 14 hours again

fuck my life.

Watched glee which killed some time

although it was not even remotely entertaining. 

I get so bored when I’m alone which maybe means I’m boring. More likely it means that I have no concentration so I can’t really do anything that I enjoy for any noteworthy length of time. I lose focus too fast to read or do work. I hope when I have been taking this vitamin for awhile it starts to help with that. Until then, I will try to be kept busy by other things. 

I’ll probably watch another dull episode of glee to pass the next hour. I really need to download the not censored version of commit this to memory. 

Trying to kill time

I am waiting for 7 to get here when my friends are coming over. I cannot work on this paper because I actually don’t know what to write. When they come over I’m going to ask them about my prompt and stuff, hopefully get some ideas to get me moving. 

Today I have basically done nothing but smoke cigarettes. I had half a cup of coffee and tried to do a little bit of work on my final but I got nowhere really. I’m at abotu 6 pages of the final done out of ten but I have to get sources which is actually the hard part. I need 10 ant racist feminist sources =( 

So I have another hour to kill and don’t want to smoke a fourth cigarette. I am out of things to do. I could clean some but I’m pretty tired. I cleaned some of my room and picked up the living room a little bit. Now I am totally out of easy jobs to do and don’t feel like moving but am at the same time quite bored. 

So I guess I’m going to eat some food my problems away and hopefully it will be 7 soon. I’ll probably post a bunch here with more talking-to-myself-rambling to get through the minutes. 

I’m having a very tired day at work.

I’m leaving an hour early to hopefully get a nap or something before finishing this paper. I simply cannot keep my eyes open any longer. Can 4 o clock please arrive? =(

It’s 2am

and I’m still on this damn paper, which I am still not worried about. I’m going to be submitting it tomorrow but I never said what time, bwahahahaaha!

I think I’m going to try sleep or something now.

I’m pretty hyper right now

So I’m going to keep updating you all about the mundane details of my life that really don’t warrant recording…

I’m just really happy to be out of the hospital. I really truly am. The day I got out I was so happy I just laughed as soon as I got outside. I laughed a lot that day, just out of happiness. They gave me a case worker in the hospital and she got me a bag of food from Trader Joe’s for me to take home, the hospital gave me a month of medication for free, and she got me a program that will cover most of my medication for next month. It just eased a lot of my worries even if it isn’t long term. I still have to go grocery shopping but I’ll buy those 99 cent packages of bagels and pasta. My mom also brought me up a lot of ramen and sweet potatoes so I can make gnocchi which will feed me for awhile. I just feel pretty prepared. Even though my money problems aren’t solved. 

So I can just enjoy sitting outside, snacking on raisins and almonds that the case worker got me, and not worry about how I will feed myself or take care of my medications. 

I think I’m going to take out another loan, I’ll just do it cos I don’t want to cause myself so much stress that I don’t finish school. I’m thinking that it is pretty important that I finish school. I’m going to have to start getting serious about my job search soon but for now I’m just focusing on school. I’m going to write a cover letter after spring break and have a couple people look it over. Hopefully after writing one I will get in the hang of writing them regularly for different job postings. I think with a cover letter I will have a much better shot at getting a job and there aren’t many good reasons for me to not find a job so I feel pretty okay about that. 

I guess I just feel okay about a lot of things. My professor offered to do a support circle for me with friends to deal with what happened, I may take her up on it. I asked Amanda what that could help me with and she said something to the effect of “food, meds, the concrete shit in your life.” I may do that just to see if I can eat with friends sometimes to ease my financial strain. I just wasn’t sure about the circle because the main reason I ended up in the hospital was my mental health. But I think I would have been able to make a better decision if my life didn’t appear to be in shambles at the time. 

I think I have more psychotic symptoms than emotional ones, although I cannot always tell. I think that afternoon, Sunday, I had some invasive thoughts that I couldn’t figure out how to combat. Since Jr. High I’ve had sort of a separate person in me telling me that I am pointless and such which can get dangerous. When I’m back in therapy and everything I think I will do better with that. The thoughts may have just been caused by not taking my medication and have been a symptom of Bipolar psychosis or I may also have Delusional Disorder like other people in my family. It’s worth telling my doctor about. 

This is a highly personal blog. I don’t know why I let people read all of this but I guess I think that in my daily life I don’t make sense sometimes and I don’t speak enough so this is a remedy? I tend to make very terse statements and I don’t elaborate on my thoughts enough- I always get the impression that no one wants to listen to me talk too much so everything I say is like a twitter update- limited by characters. That’s one thing I’m going to try working on- actually expressing myself fully. 

Well, I’m in a great mood and all I have to do with this paper is sources and quotes since I just added a good chunk to it. ^____^

It’s A GOOD DAY!

So I came home yesterday

I probably should have given myself today off to clean my room and get my shit together but I came into work anyway for the pay. At least the high is 75 today and during my lunch break I can step out and enjoy it.

I have to get my 2,000 word paper in by Monday. I’m going to email my other professors today and figure out the other two make-ups. I’m a little stressed by it but only a little. I probably should have said i could use more time to work on this paper but I just want to be done with it so Sunday I’m going to finish it and not give myself an option to put it off. I’m really worried that my professor is upset about it but she said she was worried when she heard i was in the hospital so maybe I’m just being paranoid.

It is really awkward talking to people who know where I was, Just the fact that no one will say it out right and I don’t know exactly what they are thinking about me… it’s weird. It’s weirder talking to people who no one told exactly where I was but who know I was in the hospital. I can’t tell if they know why or what…

*sigh* Things are just complicated and relationships with people are complicated and it’s harder with this professor because I want her to like me but it’s hard for me to catch up on reading and be a decent student. >.< I just want her to understand how hard it is for me without saying anything…

I just got up. I didn’t go to work which is a lot of money I won’t be making this week. 

My depression is really making everything in my life worse. I don’t know how I’m going to get all my work done. I have 4 pages due tomorrow. I have a 6 pg paper due next thursday. I have to somehow get ready for zine fest too.

And I’ve completely dropped the job hunt for right now. 

FUCK.

So you had a bad day

go home, have pasta and a nice great lakes brew.

be lonely

get sad

sleep.

Mantra for my emotional crash:

I am a happy yellow bumblebee. I am a happy yellow bumblebee. I am a happy yellow bumblebee.

Getting lost

I’m really getting lost in aspirations lately. I can’t seem to do anything I have  to do because I waste a lot of time thinking about things I want to achieve. It’s really not helpful in any way. I need to be much better at writing than I currently am. I really do.

I just hate not being as good at anything as I want to be.

I should just go read some Richard Siken and be sad.

just a talentless nothing who happens to be relatively abnormal.

or: a talentless nothing who happens to be fucked up.

or: a talentless nothing

or: a nothing